the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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