I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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