there's paper in my vomit.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
