1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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