She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
