Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
