wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
