I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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