Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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