you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
