So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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