he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
