Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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