i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
