I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
