Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
