you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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