they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize