You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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