i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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