I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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