if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
