My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
