I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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