is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
