I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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