Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
