I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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