My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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