I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
