life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize