By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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