Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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