If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
