Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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