what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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