During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
