Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
