My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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