Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
