You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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