she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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