I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
