the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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