i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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