You can't special order awesome
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
