Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
