Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
