He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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