That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
