You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
