Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
