Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
