I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
