You're a womanizer and a bitch.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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