Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
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