Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
