Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize