what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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