I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Vodka?
Forever.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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