I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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